They walked out on their families. They cheated on their wives and girlfriends.
I saw them everywhere I went. They ran around the free world reeking of irresponsibility and immaturity. They came in different sizes and ages and skin tones. But their essence remained the same. And I was scared I was going to end up like them.
I walked the slippery slope, inches away from the dark side.
I had no real men around me.
I grew up looking up to drug dealers and criminals. People who made boatloads of money on the left side of the law. And I wanted to be like them.
I emulated them. I acted immaturely and without reason. I didn’t care how good it was. I would sell you my product. And I would make the quick buck. I’m not talking about drug dealing. I’m talking about legal hustling. Selling products through Craigslist or eBay or whatever. Shitty products, half working products, defective products, I didn’t care – I wanted to make boatloads of money. I still do. I guess some things never change.
But what has changed is my idea about what it means to be a man.
My ideas of masculinity have evolved and changed over the years.
At first, I bought into the definition society forced down my throat. I bought into the machine. Society conditioned me to believe the “modern day idea of masculinity” which told young boys to…
“Be nice, resist the call of adventure, avoid conflict, ignore your heart, colour inside the lines, and know how to change a tire or two.”
The messages of society came through different voices. Some days the voice came through my mother. Some days the voice came through my television set. Some days the voice came through my mind.
I watched. I observed. I listened.
I went along with the modern day idea of masculinity. It seemed like the right thing to do.
Little did I know, it was the beginning of the end.
A few months later, the sky was darkening and the end was upon me. And something weird started happening.
I found myself disappearing. I grew further and further away from my core.
I went over the edge. And I crossed the line. I lost my sense of self.
The more I conformed to societies idea of masculinity, the less alive I felt. The less alive I felt, the less passion I had. The less passion I had, the more I led a life of quiet desperation. It was a repetitive and vicious cycle. And I needed to break it.
I was a fiend on the edge, dying for one last hit which would save me from the life I was living, and return me to my core.
I looked everywhere for the exit sign. I found it in books.
I read books about the glory days, the time of emperors and princes and warriors and conquerers. I read about rights of passages. I read about the tests adolescent boys had to go through before they earned the right to be called a man. I read about boys who had to live alone in the jungle for extended periods of time, boys who had to kill a lion with their bare hands, and boys who had to get beat up over and over again with hot steel rods.
With each book I started and finished, I grew colder with rage.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to do any of those things. I was too soft.
For I was living in a time where manhood was granted and not earned.
Instead of rights of passages, we entered college and wrote tests. Instead of killing animals with our bare hands, we ordered oily chicken from KFC. Instead of building things with our minds, we graduated and got jobs.
Society called this, the evolution of humanity. I called it, a life of quiet desperation.
For I had seen the quiet desperation in the looks their faces wore.
I saw “boys” with souls bleeding through their eyes. And I couldn’t fault them because they were playing a game, they were born to lose. The odds were rigged because men were not built for this time.
We were not built to sit at desks all day. We were not built for the rat race. We were not built to take orders.
Technology evolved and the standards of living increased. But our minds and hearts remained the same.
Our biological make up was built for the cave days. The days of real masculinity. And that’s why the men of today are living in a rut, looking and feeling like death. Their biological makeup is built to express raw masculine energy. The same energy that society has conditioned men to suppress. For suppressed energy is easier to control by the ones in power.
And that’s a damn shame. For the men of today do not have the slightest clue on how to overcome the tide.
I didn’t know either. I was clueless most of my life. Moving from one day to the next without feeling the synergy that comes along with being a man. I was lost and on the edge. Desperate to find the way out.
I knew I couldn’t end up like the 50 year olds who still had boy like traits. It was out of the question. I would have to find the escape. I would have to become a real man. I would have to earn my manhood.
I didn’t know how I would do it. But what I did know was…
I wasn’t going to achieve my manhood through conventional means.
I wasn’t going to earn it by lifting weights.
I wasn’t going to earn it by fighting drunk “boys” in bars.
I wasn’t going to earn it by hooking up with a thousand girls.
For those things only created an illusion of a man. And I don’t believe in illusions of masculinity. I believe in truth. And so I would have to find my own way out. I would have to embrace the chaos and discomfort and look the world dead in the eye. And I would have to come out on top. I wouldn’t back down. I couldn’t back down. There was no going back. This much I knew to be true.
And the very moment I committed to a life on the edge, the voice of masculine energy called out to me.
It didn’t come through my mom. It didn’t come through my television set. It didn’t come through my mind.
It came through my heart.
I watched. I observed. I listened.
And soon thereafter, I felt the cockroach of fear crawling over my skin. I shook in terror.
But the beat of my heart was louder than the fear. It told me I would have to earn it. And better yet, I knew how I would do it.
The path to manhood lay before me.
And I would have to do it…
I didn’t have a rolodex full of rich contacts.
I didn’t have a shit ton of money.
And I didn’t have much time.
But what I did have was the blood of my ancestors pumping through me. The blood of conquerors. And I knew deep down inside, it was more than I would ever need on my journey to becoming a man.
How To Be A Man
Society has created a culture of watered down men. Men with no purpose and no direction, living aimlessly – searching for fulfillment in booze and drugs and a million other vices.
I used to be one of them.
Some days, I still am. I wake up feeling like an older version of myself.
But some days, I wake up feeling like the new and improved version. I wake up feeling like the man I set out to become.
So for whatever it’s worth, below are my ideas on how to be a real man.
a. Men need a deep sense of purpose in order to feel passion.
I couldn’t wake up in the morning. Life had become a bore. I couldn’t take it. I had no reason to wake up. Most days, I didn’t wake up. I switched on a movie until I fell back asleep. I did this over and over and over again. And with each movie I watched, something inside me died. It left me. And it never did return. Gone with the wind and the dreams and ideas I let escape me.
What’s worse is…
I didn’t give a shit. I could careless.
I was living with no meaning and zero passion. I had no purpose to breathe. I was simply living for today so I could get to tomorrow. I was a rat stuck inside a cage, living the same day over and over again, trying oh so desperately to label it a “life.”
Men aren’t men without purpose. You need purpose in order to feel the zest for life. And purpose is a man’s highest ideal.
It comes first, above everything else.
Men need a purpose. A reason to breathe.
Men need an overarching goal or dream they aspire and build towards, every single day.
My purpose is to build a worldwide empire so I can turn the system on its head. It’s the reason I wake up in the morning. I breathe it. I eat it. I sleep it. It’s on my mind every moment of every day. It drives me and fuels me.
I will make it a reality or I will die trying. There’s no other way around it.
You need to find your reason for being alive or else you will never feel passion. And that would be a shame because passion for life is one of the raw ingredients that makes up masculine energy.
b. Men need to flirt with adventure in order to feel alive.
Since the beginning of time, men craved freedom. It was their highest value. They couldn’t function without it. And so they obtained their freedom through different means. Some men participated in war. Some men travelled distant lands in search of new territories. And other men ran into the jungle, and risked their life in search of meat.
Now a days…
Men go to school, get a job, work for 40 years, pay bills, retire, and die.
The freedom which comes from a life of adventure is stripped away because society has replaced it with the illusion of security.
And the “men” have ate the security up, hoping and praying and thinking it would make them feel alive. But security doesn’t do it for a man like a life of adventure can. And that’s why men suffer. That’s why men lead lives of quiet desperation. And that’s why men wake up with souls bleeding through their sleep deprived eyes as they race to their soul crushing corporate gigs.
Get off the assembly line. And reclaim adventure.
Climb a mountain. Travel to a distant land. Start a business. Jump out of a plane. Race a motorcycle. Go to the shooting range. And feel alive.
Get your masculine fix. At least once a month.
c. Men need to turn themselves into a self sustaining empire in order to feel fulfilled.
I depended on everyone but myself. I depended on my parents for shelter. I depended on my friends for good times. I depended on my boss for money. And I couldn’t have felt like a less of a man. I felt the pain every single day. It stabbed me in the heart. It burdened me and weighed me down. And it was the reason for my inferiority complex.
Sure, I had everything one wants on the outside.
But I lacked the one thing men want the most…
The feeling of fulfillment.
I didn’t have it. Not even a sprinkle of it.
I lacked self reliance, the key ingredient of masculine energy.
I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t rationalize how I could call another man, “My boss.”
It was outrageous to me. I was a leech, living off the talents and ambitions of my boss.
It was making me sick; physically and emotionally and mentally. And I knew I had to change.
I could either land a six figure gig in the corporate world with ease. I had the connections and knew the right people in the right places to make it happen.
I could take the path of greater resistance and turn myself into a self sustaining empire.
I didn’t know much. I tried to search for the right answer. But life only seems to come with unanswered questions.
I seeked external advice, instead.
My friends and family all voiced their opinions and told me to take the former route.
But I didn’t want to be a boy with a six figure deal. I wanted to be a fulfilled man with a million dollars.
I became the self sustaining empire. And I decided to live and die at my own hand.
But more than that…
Through turning myself into an empire, I found fulfillment.
And if there’s one thing I know to be true, it’s the following:
The best dollar you will ever make is the dollar you make from your own mind.
d. Men need to seek out and overcome challenges in order to feel worthy.
I didn’t want to embrace discomfort or extend my comfort zone or face my fears. It seemed too scary.
I didn’t want to live in such a world.
I wanted to live in a simple world, full of smooth waters. And so I took the needle of comfort and stabbed myself over and over with it. I thought it would give me a rush. It didn’t.
The rush of worthiness only comes through embracing discomfort and deciding to lead a life full of challenges.
With each challenge I overcame, the stronger I grew. The stronger I grew, the worthier I felt. And the more masculine energy I possessed. The genetic make up of men is primed to seek out and overcome challenges.
If you retreat in the face of challenges, you will never be connected to your core. And you will miss out on an opportunity to strengthen your masculinity. You need to prime your brain to seek and destroy challenges. Move towards your fears and you will be free. It’s your one and only mission.
e. Men need to drive the car of life in order to feel in control.
Men have craved control since the beginning of time. Whether it was control over a tribe, control over their women, or control over resources. In the olden days, every man was an entrepreneur. His life was the byproduct of his thinking and talents and work ethic. There was no job. There was no paycheque. There was no pension plan. There was no waiting for hand outs.
It was the man and the man alone. Free to control his own destiny.
Letting other men hunt for you was considered a sign of weakness. Any man that let another man put food on his plate was considered inferior for he possessed no control and power over his destiny. He was at the mercy of others.
I never wanted to be at the mercy of others. I wanted to sit in the drivers seat.
But I didn’t always sit in the drivers seat.
There was a time when my life hung in the hands of the powerful. They could pull my strings in whichever way they pleased. And they did. They pulled right, I went right. They pulled left, I went left.
They put the carrot in front of me and I pursued it. I was playing a game which I was hardwired to lose. And they knew it. I knew it too. Yet I continued to play because I was afraid.
I was afraid to take control of my life and drive my own boat. I was scared I was going to sink and die.
Yet the allure of being in control weighed more than the fear of sinking and dying. I was hardwired to control my life. Every man is. And I knew one day I would have to take the leap.
It took years and years of thinking and planning before I grew fed up and took the leap.
I decided to call the shots in all areas of my life. I didn’t listen to a single soul. It was me and me alone. Free to sink or rise.
And I sunk. I sunk. I sunk a lot.
But I was in control.
And it ended up being the best leap I ever took.
f. Men need to carry the load in order to feel loved.
She looks you in the eye and whispers, “I love you.”
You feel the words bounce off her lips and move into your head. From your head, the words travel through your throat, and move towards your heart. Your heart pumps with excitement. One beat. Two beat. Three beat. The words come closer and closer and closer to your heart. They’re about to enter your heart. But just before they enter, your heart closes the door.
Although you felt and understood her words. Your heart couldn’t accept them.
It knows the words to be true.
It knows the words carry genuine feelings.
It knows it should accept them.
But it cannot.
For you have the heart of a man.
Men don’t feel love through words. Men have to earn the right to be loved. And we earn it by conquering and providing for those we love. You must take your girlfriend and your mother and your grandmother and your sister and your nieces – and you must carry the load to the top of the fucking world. And give everyone on your team, the life they rightfully deserve.
And then and only then…when you’re standing on top of the world, and everybody is looking at you with eyes that tell a thousand truths, will you be able to feel the full glory of being truly loved.
A man’s job is to provide. It’s priority number one.
If you have a girlfriend or a wife, it’s your job to provide for her. If you don’t give her the world and everything in it, you failed. Sure, she may never say it or tell you…
But she chose you.
And you let her down.
On a biological level – you failed her.
And that’s not what men do.
At all costs.
Even if they have to work jobs they fucking despise.