An Ode To The Boy I Used To Be…

I was digging through the vaults of posts I never published and I found a poem I wrote in 2011. A time full of misery because I was working tirelessly to help build someone else’s dream…at the expense of my own. I decided to publish it today because it serves as a reminder that things are never as bad as they seem. After the rain, comes the sun…if you just hold onto your umbrella tight enough to weather the storm. Enjoy.

I don’t want to continue. Yet I don’t want to give up.

My life today is a far cry from the future I envisioned as a teen. I have become a shadow of a shadow of a shadow of the boy I used to be.

Heartbreak has ensued and the laughter has ceased.

But it never ceases with me. Even in the darkest of times, laughter supplies me with what I need. It doesn’t come gift wrapped and sometimes it hurts to see, but it is always there for us to kiss and wrap our hands around when we are bloody and in need.

It saves me, day in and day out because…

Life is a playground and the world is mine to bend whichever way I please, but the bending has become difficult and the swing set has grown weary like a man with an incurable disease. The state of my world has become gray and dull and depressing indeed.

But still I push on. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. I must continue. There is no other choice, but to wake up, take a piss, and begin…again…

I owe it to myself and the boy I used to be.

His teeth were white and his skin was young. He promised himself that no matter what he grew up to become, life would always remain fun. Happiness radiated from his pores and his smile shined brighter than the sun.

He sang and he joked and he lived passionately because the gift of life lay at his feet and he was free to do with it whatever he pleased.

But now the little boy I once loved to be…has grown older with age…and the gift of life is opened and it lays before me…with a look of treachery…because I have surrendered to a life spent on my knees.

I have grown cold and alienated like a broken man who failed to receive love when he was most in need.

I don’t want to continue. Yet I don’t want to give up.

I don’t want to continue because every day has become a repeat of yesterday. I don’t want to give up because I know that it doesn’t have to stay this way.

The window is shut and the blinds are closed, but through the curtains, I see a twinkle of sunlight and it shines onto the flesh…of the boy I used to be.

The twinkle of sunlight was the urge to quit my job and surrender to a life full of unlimited possibilities. It was my way out and I took it and now I see sunshine all around. 

May you too find your twinkle of sunlight and find your way out and return to the little boy or girl you used to be…who had eyes full of grandiose dreams. 

Tej Dosa
4:30 pm
Vancouver, BC